Driving in the car with my dog in the passenger seat. I sometimes feel so incredibly grateful that I am going to see my mum, then my sister and then my dad. I feel lucky that I am surrounded by such interesting and amazing people in my life. Other times, usually when I have my own stuff to do, I feel its a burden. A burden that is almost an everyday thing.
I often give advice to my best friend who lives a similar life to me, but the things she has to do for her family is things that are not usually important. I say, ‘pick things that are important first, then do the least important’. But for me, its hard. I have to do it. I am one of six children, but the one who cares for both my mum and dad ( in different ways). Week in and week out, this involves; taking my mum food shopping, taking and picking up my little sister to her cheer once or twice a week, cleaning my mums house twice a week, cooking my mum and my sisters dinners for half the week. As well as being there for my dad, who is more like my friend but happens to have such dramas and weird stuff happen in his day to day life. On top i have to look after my niece over night who has mild autism once a month, and take my oldest sister food shopping once every two weeks. On top of that, my little sisters have not been behaving and the last few months I have to take them up to meetings.
It is such a strain on to my life. I have tried telling my younger sister i cannot keep taking her and her friend, but she loves her dance. I cant really do it to her. My older sister needs food shopping for her family, so i cannot do that to her. The things for my mum are pretty essential. I just do not know how I can keep going, somethings have always got to give. My uni is hard to keep track on and i almost feel guilty being there. The only other sister who can help, literally does nothing for anyone. Literally.
It can be really hard when my partner is back from the military, I want to spend my time with him, but i cannot. Juggling friendships are difficult too.
Being pushed pillar to post with absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Update: 2016 has taught me something, a late new years resolution you could say and its everything cannot be a priority, and something has gotta give. Being that person that always says yes to people, your life will be living it for others. Ive learnt that actually you can say no.
I did not see my dad for three days, he survived.
I told my little sister that theres no more cheer being relied upon me. Of course she screamed and went mad, which upset me- normally i always crack because she makes me feel so so so guilty, but i kept my ground. I told her that at 14, with a parent who does not drive she cannot expect to get to places, and i know its unfair but shes done a hell of a lot more than me at that age and i did not complain. She hated what i said, but i know deep down she knows its the truth. Cannot expect what people cannot give.
I told my other sister that in a nice way if online food shops give you crappy dates its not the end of the world and you’ll just have to do an online shop because I can’t be relied on anymore.
somethings cannot stop, I have to do my mums cleaning, food shopping and cooking for the week. But atleast I can do them in 2 days of the week.
I still said i would do these things from time to time, when i am actually needed.
Learning to say NO was really difficult, but people take the actual piss out of you and you are blind to it. Poeple always expect things for nothing, and everything in this life has a cost.