You don’t know what you have til its gone

Every day we live life, mostly trying to get through the day, only to find that days, weeks and months roll into one. You stand there for a moment, and think to yourself, ‘where did that time go?’ It’s sad sometimes thinking of all the stuff you do for other people, only to find that you’re doing more for them than they have ever done for you. You’ll get those days where you make a stand in your head, only to find yourself doing it again. So many people, images and posts repeat the words, ‘get rid of people who are negative’, but so little of us do it, it always has to take a big bang for us to commit to losing one another. We spend so much time doing stuff for others, only to realize your neglecting yourself and others that could appreciate the stuff that you do.

I had a partner a few years back, he was doted by me. I was probably 8 pounds bigger than now, and although i was body conscious, i still felt sexy. He told me i was beautiful everyday, i thought back then that i could probably marry this guy, but i knew it was not good for my life having someone so obsessed by me, and controlling. So one day, I left, and although it tooks months and months for him to leave me alone, he finally managed to.

I met the partner i am with now. I know he does not appreciate me and sometimes he will admit so too. I think it is because his mum and sister have wiped his arse his whole life- and still continue to do so now.  I just sometimes feel that i am not good enough, not pretty enough, or skinny enough. My self esteem is so low, that i have not been able to wear a tight top in over 2 years. I have probably worn a dress once in that time, once! Before he arrives home, I do so much, i cook a big dinner, dress up,  clean the house etc only to find he walks straight past me. The amount of times I think to myself, did he just do that? I stop myself from crying. I tell him this, only to find he says ‘oh baby dont be so silly’. Its difficult because, when he doesn’t want to have sex with me I think of other men. I know it sounds horrible but I cant help it. I always find myself messaging guys back (only as friends, i always stop flirtation before it begins) but its hard. I go on nights out, and guys tell me, your partners a lucky man or i hope he treats you right because i would. I think to myself sometimes that one day i am gunna be sick of being undervalued, i am gunna be sick of wasting my time.

I guess in this unedited rant you will be able to understand how tired i am already. You might feel the need to tell me to get rid, but i wont, because i am human, i will wait till i am utterly fed up and careless that i will probably walk out of his arms, and into another. This may sound awful, but it is the truth. That is why we spend so many times telling our friends, leave, only to find themselves returning. Why? Because as humans we love, as humans we are generous with chances and as humans we are always craving love and affection.

This may sound like i do not love my partner, but i really do, but times i wish he appreciated me because one day, someone else will.

If you feel that you do not tell your partner that you love them, or notice they look a bit different, then change. Dont be that person that makes the other feel inadequate, because it hurts.



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