How I’m keeping on top. Organisational

I hope this blog doesn’t sound too cliche, but here it goes.

Recently I have undergone many changes to my life, to working full time, looking after a dog, self studying an a level, caring for my mum, maintaining the house, relationship, friends and right at the buttom of the pile, me.

It it has taken me a couple months to get into the swing of it and I can finally say I have got my self into a routine where I don’t feel too trapped in the mundane. Here are some small generic things that have helped me.

1) wake up early, not too early whereby you wouldn’t have enough hours sleep to function. But get yourself in a good routine. I always wake up 2 hours before work, 45 minutes to travel, 1 hr 15 minutes to make myself look normal, walk the dog and a quick 20 minute tidy up, this has enabled me to have time to respond to some emails and makes me feel ready for the day

2) 20 minute clean everyday, if you are like me and struggle to keep on top of the house work, spend at least 20 minutes every morning or before bed to just wipe down and clean up. I say 20 minutes because it’s short enough to make a difference, not long enough to feel you can’t do it and often you can carry on for more. But get yourself into the habit of this everyday

3) don’t be too harsh on yourself and have your priorities right. Don’t be afraid to say no, I did so much for my mum before, when she realised I struggled to cope she managed to do some stuff by herself. People will understand. But keep your priorities in the right place.

4) planner- get a good planner that works for you. I have a ring binder one that keeps letters etc in. This is handy for making appointments and coming up with loose plans per week. Please, please, please use sticky notes, I never realised how useful they could be, I always put in plans that are not set in stone, or things I’d like to get done but don’t know when. Plus you don’t feel guilty if you don’t do it

5) have something to look forward to. Even if it’s pay day, be organised and plan your budget etc. Plan how your going to utilise your money. Book a holiday, plan a night in with friends. Just something that’s gunna keep you going

6) cook and freeze. Cook and save. Atleast once a week I will cook a proper simple healthy dinner and freeze it, this will do half my lunches for the week. Just means you don’t have to buy when you are out. This can then enable you to plan your lunches for the week which will give you a little less stress but still the freedom of eating what you want.

7) relax  don’t forget about yourself. Get to bed at a certain time. Have a bath time a couple nights a week so you can relax of not always having to have a shower  put oils in your hair and a face masque. Have a night off from doing stuff. Building yourself up, being stressed, over worked, hungry and tired will just wear you down

8) be organised but start small. I would say I am organised to my friends, I have routines, goals, and structure but that is only because I don’t have too much freedom on when I can do things however, don’t be harsh on yourself. Just have set things and times you need to get certain things done, start small and fill the rest of the time with stuff you want. Over time you will notice you just wanna get errands done so you can relax.

9) fortnightly organiser, I have a list of small areas I want to organise whether it be wardrobe, a draw, a cupboard. I keep it in my planner and once every weekend or fortnight I make sure I spend some time declutterimg and organising that small space. Because it’s not often and I get my partner to help it becomes manageable and a small way of helping the household.

 

I know these things are generic but have helped me go from keeping my eyes over water, to feeling like I am getting there. It’s offered me grounds to keep improving. Often people preach organising everything down to the T but for some people like me, just makes it ever so easy not to follow and keep up.

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What being an adult means to me

Some may say being an adult is based on age, like when you turn 18, or 21, but what happens if you have lived a sheltered life, therefore your ‘adult’ responsibilities become later, or on the contrary when you have a difficult life it’s reversed? Some might use it in material objects, like when you begin to drive,  moved out into a flat/apartment or house or when you buy your first appliance. Others may take a biological approach and say you become an adult when you become a parent.

I had a reflection about my current situation recently, and how my feelings have been shaping my behavior and therefore my social interaction.

I describe being an adult as a feeling of power and responsibility. I moved out at the age of 17, began driving at 18 and brought a dog at 20. Despite thinking I have been an adult at 17, I realize now that I was wrong, now I feel I am. I describe it as a feeling because there are times when you live at home and you have just got back from work, you get that feeling of responsibility so you know in your best interest is to shower, do some school work and get an early night ready for work again tomorrow. You feel overwhelming, aldulty. Although moving out at 17 I did get that feeling, the feeling of looking forward to just going home to your own bed, being surrounded by my own space. I got the feeling a lot too when i began to drive, that feeling of freedom and power because i could go do my own food shopping and live my own life on my own terms. I lived with my partner and his sister for a while with a dog that we brought, i got that feeling less than before as i was often relying on my partner and his sister dominated my life.

Within the last 6 months, we moved into our own house, i take full responsibility of our dog and we added 2 fish to the family. My partner lives away. I am in charge of my university, work and social life. Recently I began working as a teaching assistant and felt overwhelming like an adult. I feel that throughout the years I got that feeling a lot, that pressure, but nowadays that feeling is becoming my life. I go to work, care for my mother, look after myself and my pets as well as go to work, study for university. Time is such a limiting factor, the amount of years I have spent just ‘pushing’ stuff aside, it really is when you have no time to mess about do you prioritize.  I could not care that my sisters are annoyed with me,  because ultimately I am not neglecting the things i love. Being an adult to me, is that feeling of power, responsibility and pressure, sometimes positive and sometimes negative. Being an adult is when you take that power, and do purposeful things with it, you prioritize, commit and learn when to say no. To some being an adult comes sooner than others.

Perhaps in the upcoming months I will look back at this and realize that maybe its not a feeling, but instead something will happen to me and then i will  then realize. Maybe i wont until i have children and then i will really know what being an adult means. But for now, i describe it as a feeling, that eventually encapsulates your ways of thinking and preparing for today, and tomorrow.

I’m interested in knowing how others define being an adult?

I was their Right Hand Girl they said

I was tired and just wanted to go back to bed, the window on the bus was rumbling and rattling my head as my head was resting on the window. I was hoping my music would keep me awake so I blasted my ‘go to work playlist’. We went round the roundabout, and the bus pulled in to pick up a group of old ladies. It was when it stopped everyone turned round, people even got up and pointed out the window. I turned  directly to my right side and saw it. I saw ambulances and loads of police cars at the side of the road. I pulled out my head phones out and listened to everyone gossiping. I cant remember what they were saying, I wish I did now, but i remember so so clearly thinking, ‘how can people be so nosey?’ I continued my journey to work and carried on as normal. It was break time and i went into the stuffy backroom where we all hung out, got out my phone and found loads of messages. It was one that left me stunned, ‘are your two best friends really dead, im confused? xxx’. I was not aware that everyone was looking at me and talking, i had a 100 things going through my head, but at the same time everything just stood still. It was strange. Someone got the manager over, and she carried me up. She was taking me down to the office to call my family to see if anyone could pick me up because I was ill. But she was mortified as i was when i began crying and shaking as i dialed my mums number, when she answered she was crying, ‘im sorry, im sorry, i was gunna tell you, ill get your dad to get you’. I should have stayed there in the office but i went outside to wait and have a cigarette. I had 4 in a row and was sick.

My dad got me and he was brutal. Telling me there bodies would have been torn apart, they would have died instantly etc etc.  I still did not fit two things from the morning together. I got my dad to go to the site where they died, and I still did not register- it was around the corner from my house. But my head was so messed up. The rest of the night was a blur, i had no idea if i slept, what i did, what i said. My two best friends died, my childhood  sweetheart. It was insane.

I went into college a couple days later. I came in and on route i saw a good friend of mine, who thought it was acceptable to tell me that they should not have drunk drove. I nearly flipped out, but i was shocked. I remember walking straight past her not saying anything, i walked to sixthform. No one else was hurt apart from them, do you not think they paid the ultimate price? Do you not think it is insensitive to even say that outloud? I told my head of sixth form that I could not do today and i needed to go home, i was crying. Her response was sick now i look back, she told me to go each of my teachers for that day and ask permission. I did so, but the first teacher i told put me straight in her car and drove me home.

I should not and cannot put blame onto peoples negative responses to my grievance but i do believe that there response did not help, made me become more isolated. My dad, my two good mates (who continually brutal), and the head of sixth form. I had little support. I had to go on with life knowing that a huge part of my life was missing. The only support from someone who knew was my sister, me and her the night before they died, waited for them to come over as promised, but they never showed, they decided to go out clubbing instead. I saw one of them 2 nights before they died, but i told him i could not stop and chat because another guy was there, someone who I had held a grudge for years. Someone i refused to even be around. My bestmate gave me a hug and let me go. He hugged me and i went home. Little did i know that was the last hug i was ever gunna get, the last contact i was to ever see of him. I wish i held on longer, I wish I looked at him longer…

Losing my two best friends, made me become crazy, emotional and unstable, I did not care about college anymore, or anything. It was the hardest thing i have ever been through, and now i can drink and talk about it. What always made it worse, was seeing the world carrying on when I felt like mine had stopped. What was worse was when people who never experience a close contact loss, expect you to carry on with life like it was nothing.

It’s been hard and i miss them today, 4 nearly 5 years later. I will never forget the memories us three had, I will never forget.

when people say that you never get over the pain, you just learn to live with it, is so true.

What I want people to learn is that if someone dies, be sensitive and support.

Be kind, give a hug, dont keep talking about how it happened, talk about the memories you have left. Don’t hold grudges. Just have a heart.

SuddenSmallGirl

You don’t know what you have til its gone

Every day we live life, mostly trying to get through the day, only to find that days, weeks and months roll into one. You stand there for a moment, and think to yourself, ‘where did that time go?’ It’s sad sometimes thinking of all the stuff you do for other people, only to find that you’re doing more for them than they have ever done for you. You’ll get those days where you make a stand in your head, only to find yourself doing it again. So many people, images and posts repeat the words, ‘get rid of people who are negative’, but so little of us do it, it always has to take a big bang for us to commit to losing one another. We spend so much time doing stuff for others, only to realize your neglecting yourself and others that could appreciate the stuff that you do.

I had a partner a few years back, he was doted by me. I was probably 8 pounds bigger than now, and although i was body conscious, i still felt sexy. He told me i was beautiful everyday, i thought back then that i could probably marry this guy, but i knew it was not good for my life having someone so obsessed by me, and controlling. So one day, I left, and although it tooks months and months for him to leave me alone, he finally managed to.

I met the partner i am with now. I know he does not appreciate me and sometimes he will admit so too. I think it is because his mum and sister have wiped his arse his whole life- and still continue to do so now.  I just sometimes feel that i am not good enough, not pretty enough, or skinny enough. My self esteem is so low, that i have not been able to wear a tight top in over 2 years. I have probably worn a dress once in that time, once! Before he arrives home, I do so much, i cook a big dinner, dress up,  clean the house etc only to find he walks straight past me. The amount of times I think to myself, did he just do that? I stop myself from crying. I tell him this, only to find he says ‘oh baby dont be so silly’. Its difficult because, when he doesn’t want to have sex with me I think of other men. I know it sounds horrible but I cant help it. I always find myself messaging guys back (only as friends, i always stop flirtation before it begins) but its hard. I go on nights out, and guys tell me, your partners a lucky man or i hope he treats you right because i would. I think to myself sometimes that one day i am gunna be sick of being undervalued, i am gunna be sick of wasting my time.

I guess in this unedited rant you will be able to understand how tired i am already. You might feel the need to tell me to get rid, but i wont, because i am human, i will wait till i am utterly fed up and careless that i will probably walk out of his arms, and into another. This may sound awful, but it is the truth. That is why we spend so many times telling our friends, leave, only to find themselves returning. Why? Because as humans we love, as humans we are generous with chances and as humans we are always craving love and affection.

This may sound like i do not love my partner, but i really do, but times i wish he appreciated me because one day, someone else will.

If you feel that you do not tell your partner that you love them, or notice they look a bit different, then change. Dont be that person that makes the other feel inadequate, because it hurts.

 

Telling your partner why

I listened carefully to what he was saying, ‘ I cant believe my ex wife didn’t tell me, why would she not?’, ‘ I feel bad that she had to put up with my sister alone, that she actually felt the need to email my auntie’. I thought for a minute whilst driving, should I have told him a possible reason to his ex wife leaving him. I knew he always wanted to know, i knew it bothered him. So when I found out what it could have been, i knew it was the right thing to do. But hearing him go on, made me nervous, made me regretful. Made my heart slither to my throat. I tried to light a cigarette as he stared out the window in silence. That’s it between us, three years of my life wasted. I thought about where i was gunna live, how i was gunna get over it, what was gunna happen to our dog. Just series of questions came to my head, and a tear rolled down my right cheek. But i love him. I was grateful the tear fell on the side he could not see. He loves his ex wife, not me, all the times we have together, I am just a rebound. I sat there more in silence, thinking about what i was gunna say to him. I thought about right and wrong, my morals. So i just said it, ‘Max, what i am gunna say, i do not want you to freak out, i really don’t. Floyd and I do not have to leave tomorrow, I will stay in the house til i find somewhere, but, if you wanna message your ex wife, let her know that you know, then that’s fine, ill even help you write the message, you deserve to be happy’. I couldn’t believe i said it, i looked at him for that second, and my heart fell back into place, but shattered in a million pieces. This is really happening i thought.

He waited a minute, which felt like a lifetime. ‘Are you joking me?’, ‘ if you loved me you wouldn’t even think like that, how can you be so stupid, I love you and only you. I was just shocked as to why it was never mentioned to me, I was just shocked!’. Those words meant the world to me, but i still asked, ‘are you sure?’

 

Lifestyle Change: Why I became Pescetarian

Why I recently became a pescetarian.

This was not a conscious lifestyle change to add to my other blog.

Over the years I grew up in a family where food was given to me and I had to eat it, I was not brought up with the luxury of choice. My family came from big meat eaters, my uncle was a butcher and my dad is a relatively large man, who got me into steaks and cooking with big bits of meat.

When I moved out, I often wondered how much cheaper my shopping would be without meat. But at this point, I couldn’t change my lifelong habit. When I say I was a big meat eater, I couldn’t value a proper meal without it.

I caught a virus some years ago, and the illness was horrendous. I was sick for three days and despite the dr’s telling me it was a virus, I always believed it was due to a take away I ate, a chicken burger. Since this incident, I have never touched a chicken burger since. Only eating chicken when I myself prepared it.

A couple of months ago, my partner and I brought a meat hamper and because he was down from the army for a week, we thought it was a good idea to eat as much of it as possible, as a treat. We was eating steak for breakfast! He developed no side effects, but for me I felt so tired constantly and the thought of how much meat I consumed began to make me feel sick.

At the weekend, I had a night out- and I ended it with cooking myself bacon pasta. Despite not feeling ill the next day, the following day I began to feel super sick. I convinced myself that it was the bacon, uncooked. I decided that, that day I would no longer eat meat.

I am fed up with feeling that the meat I’m consuming is just sitting in my stomach, not fully digested. I am sick of convincing myself that meat is expensive, therefore I must treat myself and others around me with it. I am tired of feeling tired when I eat it. I am fed up with blaming meat for my sicknesses.

When I told everyone about this, they laughed. But from trying to consume meat in my every meal, to not allowing meat to pass through my mouth in a month I would say I’m doing quite well. I have currently lost 4 pounds and I am still eating large amounts, just without the meat.  My skin is looking glowing and my overall energy levels are really good. Although not everday and not a  favourable experience, I am able to survive a day with little as 5 hours sleep.

Here are some of my top tips to help you transition if your thinking about it, secondly, these tips are highly selected to someone like myself:

  1. Be aware of your lifestyle. Think of substitutes for times when your likely to need it, think BBQ’s, takeaways and meals out- what will you eat instead?
  2. If your family are hesitant- cook the dinners, show them some vegetarian options
  3. Try and be excited about food without meat, be excited about new vegetables and fish!
  4. Think money- eating meat is so expensive, think of all the money you will save, calculate your weekly shop and you will see.
  5. If you have children, partner etc do not talk about your new diet, and do not expect others to change.
  6. With your partner, so you do not feel left out, eat the same as them but have no meat to save the hassle, or use quorn alternatives instead if you fancy the extra cooking
  7. Be sensible, if your cutting protein, remember to add it. If ever in doubt, eat an egg. I am really serious about this, if I am not sure whether I have eaten enough protein, I always boil an egg to make sure.
  8.  Tins will be your friend so buy lots – this includes lots of tomatoes, beans etc – this goes for frozen veg- stock up
  9. Don’t feel guilty for enjoying the smell of meat, my mouth still waters on some Sundays when my mum does a big leg of lamb. Try not to feel guilty.
  10. Give yourself credit, if your doing this to lose weight then its not a long term commitment. I allow myself to snack on fatty foods sometimes to award myself for avoiding meat. I also will eat meaty flavoured crisps!

That’s all I can think about for now.

I would be really interested to know what made you change diet? What your top tips are? and even why you are thinking about such a transition.

 

SuddenSmallGirl

A simple lifestyle change: Getting up early

I always wanted to get up early and be one of those people that had there life up  together. But the late nights and the sound of my alarm always led me to stay in bed to the last possiblist moment. So I started watching youtube videos telling me to start going to sleep half an hour earlier, and get up half and hour earlier. Which just never worked. So months passed and I had to get up at 5 to travel up north for something. That night I was so tired I went to sleep way earlier than usual. That was it. I just went to sleep at normal time, forced myself to get up for the couple of days and my night time routine completely changed and I was able to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier. So my day used to start roughly at 8.30am, now starts at 6am. I am not going to lie and say its easy, because it is a daily battle.

Since waking up at this time, has enabled me to get a few extra hours in the day without disturbance. I have time to look suitable for the day, eat a mediocre breakfast and walk the dog, even before people have woken up.

This was just a short post to tell those who are constantly struggling to do it, that it is possible and it is worth it. I feel so much more organised in my life and more positive because even when I am stressed I can do it the following morning.

Here is my Morning Routine

5.55am alarm

6am up, coffee and feed the dog

6.30am shower, skin care routine, make up and get ready

7.10am breakfast and quick dog walk

7.45 am on my laptop and I begin work

This may not sound too early because I only start work at 7.45am but for me personally it is such a relief to get all the things done and get a good night sleep.

I wont bore you with the generic tips of, setting your alarm away from your bed etc because as stated; its all over youtube.

 

SunndenAwakeGirl

 

One of the hardest things to do

My experience of learning to leave negativity behind

People say that leaving behind negativity is easy, you just walk away and never look back. Or, surround yourself by positive people. But what are you supposed to do when it is your family, because after all there not a bad ‘friend’ you can simply walk away from, there always gunna be there.

Growing up as one of six, all girls, three older, me and two younger. We all fought and argued, smiled and laughed. But, i have now at 20, almost 21, managed to say, ‘ive had enough’ and walk away, learning to leave the negative people behind in such a calm manner they will not notice for months.

Please bare in mind, I am not naming but these are a collaboration of three  of my older sisters.

When i was 12, my sister tried persuading my mum that she saw me at the park, skipping school and smoking. I was slightly snobby and geeky back then and anyone who knew me, knew i would not be at a park, smoking.

Aged 12-15- constant discussions between my two sisters to my mum that i was out of control and naughty. That i was a very good liar. I lied about my GCSE marks. Oh, and not to mention one of them thought i was on heroin and the other thought i ‘just’ smoked pot. To which i did not even smoke, or drink.

Aged 16-20-

  • when i first met my partner, two of my sisters told me that he would cheat on he if he wasnt already doing it. One of my sisters decided to carry this idea forward and still brings it up today. I have been with my partner longer than they have been with either of theres, i completely trust my partner. Their opinions of him stems from him being in the military. Either way, it is something you do not throw out unless you have concrete evidence, its hurtful.
  • When i first moved into my home and me and partner did it up, most of it by our own hands, they could not say anything nice about, nothing. Instead ridiculed the design and colours etc etc.
  • Apparently, I always take money of my mum to pay for my expensive lifestyle, she pays my rent, car, bills, clothes and shopping. Of which, she pays nothing.  I have borrowed from her, to pay for a car crash I had, and to lay down a deposit on my first university dig, hence why I owe her £2,103
  • Apparently, I am too stupid, i think im too clever, i am too immature, I dont understand anything, I am lazy, I am not clean enough, I am too niave, im a fake, i have no balls, the list is endless. But always, their ideas always juxtapose each other.

Gather a picture of me yet? No, i never met people that actually do not know me as much as my sisters, they know my personality as too forgiving or too light hearted that i do not take anything seriously. But there opinions of me and there strong voices has made my life at times, hell. Luckily the support of my mum saying ignore them, helped but never lasts. I always have much admiration for them having children young etc etc but recently all three of them have had such massive go’s at me over nothing or little reason that I cannot handle the heart ache.

Let me go through my timeline very quickly. At 12-15 i worked hard at school, i fund raised £2000 purely on my own so i could work with disabled children in Ethiopia and teach English to the street children in Uganda. I achieved 10 A in my gcse’s, 3 b’s and 1 c, i went onto college (from 16-17 i was out a lot drinking with my friends etc), but i still got my 3 A levels. At 18, I moved out, brought a car and went to university. I have always worked since the age of 14, and only now have I quit my job recently due to my final year of studies being too intense. I hope to attend a teaching course in September. I currently live in a big two bedroom house and it is just me and our dog, floyd. Throughout the years i have been extremely close with my mum, i take her food shopping, help with the cleaning, cook the dinners for her and my two sisters for the whole week, every week. I also try and baby sit my neices/nephews as well as always being there for my sisters when they need me. Whilst maintaining my friendships with a couple of my best friends that i have known for 10 yeasr. But when i talk with my sisters i never discuss me, or my plans.it is always about them. They constantly put me down because i am not interested in my future, however, the reality is my future is not my life, my conversations are not driven by this. Recently I have pissed ALL three of my sisters and here are the reasons why…

sister 1) She has been very sensitive and angry last couple months so we have been talking but not soo much because she can lose her temper quickly. We went on holiday 6 months ago and she actually punched me and pushed me, of which i got the first flight out of there, we both apologized but it was hard for me to let her go because the flight cost me an extra £300. It was hard to let that one go. Anyway, recently she called me saying she needed my help to give her a lift to drop a important form off. I said, sorry i cant, im at university, taxi it cause it will cost you less than £10. She repeatedly called after and texting me begging for me to do it. So, i ignored them because i had already explained. This has caused her to completely cut me out of her life, i still cant believe it! As one of my favorite sisters, i cried when she wrote me a message before blocking me that ‘ive never been there for her’. (11 years older than me)

Sister 2) I took my mum food shopping on the evening my mum was supposed to look after my nephew. I had worked the whole day, like it is mon-fri, mum and my sisters had little food in. I did not want to leave my dog for long so i told my mum if we could be quick shopping, i told her to text my sister asking if she could drop him off earlier. To which my sister wrote ‘dont worry’. It was only till the evening in bed shattered that my phone went off. ‘im trying to get ready for my maths test, who the fuck do you think you are? fucking ruining my education. You selfish cow to take mum food shopping. you should know that i have college on a tues. you dickhead’. I had received 10 messages of abuse. I was shocked because she was that pissed off with me, when i had not even spoken to her. I have my own life, i cant remember when you have your appointments and college, you dont remember mine, and guess what? i dont expect you to. Secondly, how i know things is, if someone is doing you a favour, shouldnt you cater to them? My mums doing her a favour, so she could cater to mum and drop him off earlier. Urgh its pathetic but the messages made me cry. (6 years older than me)

Sister 3) One time we was on a night out, i saw a friend from uni and we got chatting. My sister decided to tell this friend that i was stupid, that i should not have gone to uni and told her my marks. I remember standing there embarrassed, my uni friend was shocked. But my sister carried on even when my uni friend asked if she could stop being so horrible. Another time, I applied for a job, and she told the potential employer that i would be brilliant for the job because i am desperate as im failing university and gunna need a full time job in a few months, instead of a part time i originally applied for. I was only informed when i went for an interview and the voice mail of my sisters voice played back. I was gutted. But anyway back to now. I worked as a PA at a financial company, my boss is her fiance. I set them two up about a year ago. Anyway upon leaving the business because ive been there long enough, also the fact that my sister kept being more and more funny and controlling- even though i dont like my boss on a personal level. So i told my boss that i found a good replacement. My sister hates this replacement, i only recommended this person because she was reliable and could start asap. But for the past week, i have had abusive, nasty and quite frankly disgusting messages about me and this ‘replacement’. But, she has not actually had a concerned conversation with her boyfriend over it, so why are you consulting me? Whats ironic is i havent been messaging her back but she keeps going. Yesterday telling me that i am out to get him, i am out to ruin his business, that i have never liked him (all because i have always been honest- i dont like him personally). This sister was the one who has sent me messages saying that why are you even gunna do a teaching course, your not gunna make it, whats the point in wasting all that money, teaching RE- have you even read the bible. I ignored her messages after spending hours crying over it- i guess its been a build up, she begged me to look after my niece the next day so she can go out with her boyfriend that night….But those messages have done the trick (13 years older)

When i told my partner about this whole mess, and obviously he knows the history of it, he could not give me one time that they have ever done something for me, or ever helped me with. They all at different times, have broken my heart. Its taken all three of them to send me abuse at once, that i cannot do it anymore. Some may think, there intentions are good, but i promise you they are not. They want to put me down or tell me how to live my life.

I will live my life how i want, i will make mistakes and i will do good at times. But i dont comment on yours, do not comment on mine. I dont offer them advice when i do not know what i am talking about, so dont do it to mine. I cant be around people that just constantly talk about ‘their’ plans and belittle me for not talking about mine. My life is not centred around it. Years i have put up with them putting me down. I am sick of their lies and how they make me feel.

But once i spent the night crying, i thought ‘enough is enough’. I still feel teary because i never thought it would get to this but, i am not doing anything for them. I cant because i have already wasted so much of my life for them. I have not exchanged a single bad word to any of them, its like they want me to just fall down and not get back up again. The clever thing about my scheme, is i have let them all have the last word, i will carry on being polite to them. But, i will not be doing any of them favours and i will not bother with them unless i have too. I know it wont be long til they all start going mad again and i couldnt give a shit.

People always portray leaving negativity behind as an action of literally walking away and not bothering to socialize with those people or have any contact with them. For me, that is impossible, but I have learnt I will be polite but nothing more or nothing less.

I have purposely not changed any grammars, or re read this, it has been a rumble from my mind oozing out onto my keyboard, a rant that has been bottled up for far too long.

I would be interested in why you decided to let someone/or people go? And how you did it and how you feel now as a result.

Crazy.

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Too much sexism around me

My great grandmother divorced my great grandad, she left him for being abusive and being an alcoholic. She was a single mother of three children and worked two jobs, whilst cycling. To today, it is nothing, but then, all these things were crazy. My mum tells me how my great grandmother was a strong women, liked but extremely opinionated, often preaching about happiness and equality.

My mum became a single mother of 6 females, we are all strong, dominant and a little bit crazy. We all carry the sassy characteristics and the men we typically go for are sweet, timid and laid back. Equality of gender has always been important in our beliefs and all the people around me, like friends but never did it become a conflicting problem until I met Max.

Max is extremely masculine and dominant in a subtle way. He says he fell for me the moment he met me, I walked into his house party (which I did not know), with all my friends being there I walked in soaking wet, holding two bottles of red wine lifting it up and making a deal. I remember him being there, he just stared at me like I was some sort of animal. which I felt when all my friends and other girls were wearing heels and dresses. Anyway, long story short at the end of the night he finally spoke to me, in a horrible manner and I totally reacted to it, I asked him in a polite way whether he thought it was acceptable to speak to someone they did not know like that- and he gave me that stare again. (Whilst I could not really take his abruptness off my mind)

I realised after that, that we were first attracted to our differences. I remember when I cooked him dinner, and I cooked him a roast with all the trimmings. He made a sexist comment about it not being a feminine meal to cook for a guy for a first dinner, I was interested in this and asked him what would be more suitable, to which he said pasta, seafood etc. I remember laughing, partially because how ridiculous that sounded, partially because I thought he was joking and partially because I almost picked up burgers from the shop!

Moving on, I was about to meet his parents and he lets me know a little about them, His dad is Italian, and his mum English. His mum before she married his dad, had to live in Italy to cook, speak and understand Italian culture. Waking up at 6 am to clean and not stopping til the man is asleep.

I remember thinking, uh oh.

Max’s birthday. I got a little too drunk, which I think I was one of few women who was. I had not had anything all day, so I went to the BBQ where his dad and his friends were. I asked if they needed some help, and that I honestly didn’t mind taking over the bbq for 10 mins whilst they sat down. They laughed, but I knew I had embarrassed myself. As Max says, women do the potato salad, not the BBQ.  oops.

I stick out like a sore thumb, I cannot help but make comments to his dad sometimes like, ooh how about you make the dinner tonight or preach equality in conversation. But the sexist comments, I have no idea if he is totally serious or not. Either way, it makes me feel uneasy. I have not changed at all, I have consistently been myself, I help his mum with cleaning or cooking if I see her, not because I have to, but because I want to. Like how when his dad is doing something, i always offer a hand, even though he declines. Of course accepting my help would somehow affect his masculinity.

His sister does nothing but lies to her parents, boasting how she is up at 6 am cleaning and working till late, and when she sees her partner once a week she literally does everything for him. Boasting how she’ll wash his clothes, dry them then air dries them for 2 hours and then irons his underwear and socks…….  when I lived with her for 2 months with max, she was so unclean and untidy, leaving washing everywhere, and only tidying the night before her partner came and the day after leaving her sex toys, yes sex toys around the house…yuck. Never did she do what she preached to her parents other than his washing…because apparently thats how her boyfriend likes it. I am not sure whether she lies to impress her dad or scared of his reaction if she told the truth. But if that was my daughter I would not find that sweet or cute, or proper.

His mum has told Max how she really likes me, how she thinks I’m extremely pretty, intelligent and bubbly.

But Max;s dad has told him, I’m young, too talkative, I drink and smoke too much, how I will not be one of those women who will look after him in everyway- which might be a problem in later years. (I dont really know how he can say that, max’s has been ill atleast on 3 different occasions and i have literally done everything for him, just how I expect the same) But, nonetheless he does find me refreshing and polite. I mean is their sexism real?

I mean is their sexism real? Because if they did not like me they would tell Max. Hmmm…

You’d think that in todays day and age we have come such a long way in terms of equality. I guess like individuals, families can be more liberal or strict and either way can be offensive, friendly or downright rude.

Im surrounded by too much sexism at the moemnt but, not long left, two weeks before they go.

 

 

 

Being pushed to pillar to post

Driving in the car with my dog  in the passenger seat. I sometimes feel so incredibly grateful that I am going to see my mum, then my sister and then my dad. I feel lucky that I am surrounded by such interesting and amazing people in my life. Other times, usually when I have my own stuff to do, I feel its a burden. A burden that is almost an everyday thing.

I often give advice to my best friend who lives a similar life to me, but the things she has to do for her family is things that are not usually important. I say, ‘pick things that are important first, then do the least important’. But for me, its hard. I have to do it. I am one of six children, but the one who cares for both my mum and dad ( in different ways). Week in and week out, this involves; taking my mum food shopping, taking and picking up my little sister to her cheer once or twice  a week, cleaning my mums house twice a week, cooking my mum and my sisters dinners for half the week. As well as being there for my dad, who is more like my friend but happens to have such dramas and weird stuff happen in his day to day life. On top i have to look after my niece over night who has mild autism once a month, and take my oldest sister food shopping once every two weeks. On top of that, my little sisters have not been behaving and the last few months I have to take them up to meetings.

It is such a strain on to my life. I have tried telling my younger sister i cannot keep taking her and her friend, but she loves her dance. I cant really do it to her. My older sister needs food shopping for her family, so i cannot do that to her. The things for my mum are pretty essential. I just do not know how I can keep going, somethings have always got to give. My uni is hard to keep track on and i almost feel guilty being there. The only other sister who can help, literally does nothing for anyone. Literally.

It can be really hard when my partner is back from the military, I want to spend my time with him, but i cannot. Juggling friendships are difficult too.

Hmmm.

Being pushed pillar to post with absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Update: 2016 has taught me something, a late new years resolution you could say and its  everything cannot be a priority, and something has gotta give. Being that person that always says yes to people, your life will be living it for others. Ive learnt that actually you can say no.

I did not see my dad for three days, he survived.

I told my little sister that theres no more cheer being relied upon me. Of course she screamed and went mad, which upset me- normally i always crack because she makes me feel so so so guilty, but i kept my ground. I told her that at 14, with a parent who does not drive she cannot expect to get to places, and i know its unfair but shes done a hell of a lot more than me at that age and i did not complain. She hated what i said, but i know deep down she knows its the truth. Cannot expect what people cannot give.

I told my other sister that in a nice way if online food shops give you crappy dates its not the end of the world and you’ll just  have to do an online shop because I can’t be relied on anymore.

somethings cannot stop, I have to do my mums cleaning, food shopping and cooking for the week. But atleast I can do them in 2 days of the week.

I still said i would do these things from time to time, when i am actually needed.

Learning to say NO was really difficult, but people take the actual piss out of you and you are blind to it. Poeple always expect things for nothing, and everything in this life has a cost.

SuddenSmallGirl