I was their Right Hand Girl they said

I was tired and just wanted to go back to bed, the window on the bus was rumbling and rattling my head as my head was resting on the window. I was hoping my music would keep me awake so I blasted my ‘go to work playlist’. We went round the roundabout, and the bus pulled in to pick up a group of old ladies. It was when it stopped everyone turned round, people even got up and pointed out the window. I turned  directly to my right side and saw it. I saw ambulances and loads of police cars at the side of the road. I pulled out my head phones out and listened to everyone gossiping. I cant remember what they were saying, I wish I did now, but i remember so so clearly thinking, ‘how can people be so nosey?’ I continued my journey to work and carried on as normal. It was break time and i went into the stuffy backroom where we all hung out, got out my phone and found loads of messages. It was one that left me stunned, ‘are your two best friends really dead, im confused? xxx’. I was not aware that everyone was looking at me and talking, i had a 100 things going through my head, but at the same time everything just stood still. It was strange. Someone got the manager over, and she carried me up. She was taking me down to the office to call my family to see if anyone could pick me up because I was ill. But she was mortified as i was when i began crying and shaking as i dialed my mums number, when she answered she was crying, ‘im sorry, im sorry, i was gunna tell you, ill get your dad to get you’. I should have stayed there in the office but i went outside to wait and have a cigarette. I had 4 in a row and was sick.

My dad got me and he was brutal. Telling me there bodies would have been torn apart, they would have died instantly etc etc.  I still did not fit two things from the morning together. I got my dad to go to the site where they died, and I still did not register- it was around the corner from my house. But my head was so messed up. The rest of the night was a blur, i had no idea if i slept, what i did, what i said. My two best friends died, my childhood  sweetheart. It was insane.

I went into college a couple days later. I came in and on route i saw a good friend of mine, who thought it was acceptable to tell me that they should not have drunk drove. I nearly flipped out, but i was shocked. I remember walking straight past her not saying anything, i walked to sixthform. No one else was hurt apart from them, do you not think they paid the ultimate price? Do you not think it is insensitive to even say that outloud? I told my head of sixth form that I could not do today and i needed to go home, i was crying. Her response was sick now i look back, she told me to go each of my teachers for that day and ask permission. I did so, but the first teacher i told put me straight in her car and drove me home.

I should not and cannot put blame onto peoples negative responses to my grievance but i do believe that there response did not help, made me become more isolated. My dad, my two good mates (who continually brutal), and the head of sixth form. I had little support. I had to go on with life knowing that a huge part of my life was missing. The only support from someone who knew was my sister, me and her the night before they died, waited for them to come over as promised, but they never showed, they decided to go out clubbing instead. I saw one of them 2 nights before they died, but i told him i could not stop and chat because another guy was there, someone who I had held a grudge for years. Someone i refused to even be around. My bestmate gave me a hug and let me go. He hugged me and i went home. Little did i know that was the last hug i was ever gunna get, the last contact i was to ever see of him. I wish i held on longer, I wish I looked at him longer…

Losing my two best friends, made me become crazy, emotional and unstable, I did not care about college anymore, or anything. It was the hardest thing i have ever been through, and now i can drink and talk about it. What always made it worse, was seeing the world carrying on when I felt like mine had stopped. What was worse was when people who never experience a close contact loss, expect you to carry on with life like it was nothing.

It’s been hard and i miss them today, 4 nearly 5 years later. I will never forget the memories us three had, I will never forget.

when people say that you never get over the pain, you just learn to live with it, is so true.

What I want people to learn is that if someone dies, be sensitive and support.

Be kind, give a hug, dont keep talking about how it happened, talk about the memories you have left. Don’t hold grudges. Just have a heart.

SuddenSmallGirl

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